Dealing With Five Stages of Grief
July 17th, 2007
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We all know that dealing with grief and loss is hard and it takes time, but I deeply believe that knowledge about healing process makes it somewhat easier.
Every person is different and this fact makes dealing with grief a personal thing. There are five stages of grief and they are typical for everyone, but how we behave in these stages makes us unique.
Few days ago, I have written about feelings that we might feel when we are heart broken. I have tried to explain how we think and feel according to my experience (yes, I had a broken heart few times in my life) in all five stages of grief:
The way I see, the best thing you can do to help yourself heal is to realize in which grief stage you are and after you recognize the stage, to act in a proper way to help yourself. The key is to prevent yourself to stay more than you should in these stages. We tend to stack in some stages and even to circle around, for example: anger - bargaining - depression - anger - bargaining - depression…
In denial stage it is very important to recognize your feelings of grief. Cry, talk to someone you trust, but be sincere to yourself about your feelings.
The most common thing, I notice, is that people stay in anger stage more than it is healthy for them. You can be angry and you should not denial that you are angry, but you will agree with me that you actually don’t know the deepest inner urge that has pushed that person to make choices that hurt you, so don’t blame him or her. Let higher court (God) to judge him or her. Don’t let any more of your energy to go to someone else when you need it badly to heal.
In bargaining stage, it seems like we have forgotten what happened and all we want is everything to be as before. In this stage you need your friends more than ever to prevent you to do foolish things as calling your ex. You must remember that situation is changed and you need to accept this.
Depression is the hardest stage. We remember nice things from past, we remember bad things from past and we don’t know which one of these two makes us feel more sad. We feel empty. This is difficult stage, but you could use it to rethink about bad choices you have made and why, so you never repeat them again.
With acceptance, dealing with five stages of grief is over. You are healed and ready to live and enjoy your life again. You are wiser and grateful for every new day in your life. Welcome back!
Five Stages of Grief - Acceptance
July 13th, 2007
- Read more about how we behave in the first of five stages of grief - denial!
- Read more about how we behave in the second of five stages of grief - anger!
- Read more about how we behave in the third of five stages of grief - bargaining!
- Read more about how we behave in the forth of five stages of grief - depression!
I have tried to simulate feelings of acceptance after relationship end. This is how people feel and think when they finally accept that their relationship is over:
I woke up unusually early this morning and a look through my bedroom’s window made me smile. It was beautiful morning, bright and sunny, and I felt alive for the first time in a very long period of sadness and depression.
Somehow everything seems fine and I see now that my broken heart is healed. This bad love looks so far away from me and I have learned a lot. This fact turns my ex love in one of my greatest life teachers. I’m accepting now that I had my share in this heart break. Some mistakes, I deeply believe, I will never make again.
I feel strong and I’m happy knowing that somewhere near me is the love of my life, that will make my life complete. I’m ready to love again and I’m not afraid of being hurt.
Tonight, I’ll go out with my friends and I’ll have the greatest time. I just know! Hello, life! Here I come, again!
Five Stages of Grief - Depression
July 12th, 2007
- Read more about how we behave in the first of five stages of grief - denial!
- Read more about how we behave in the second of five stages of grief - anger!
- Read more about how we behave in the third of five stages of grief - bargaining!
This is example of how people feel in depression stage of grief after love is ended:
He didn’t call! He doesn’t love me after all. My heart is broken. I’m going to die. I feel so empty and nothing has a meaning any more. Why should I even bother to get out of the bed in the morning? Why? My life has no purpose.
No love, not at least a hug or a kiss, nothing. Just silence in my room. My phone is dead for days. I don’t remember last time I have smiled. Only tears and sobbing in my bed, under the shower, even in the train full of people. I hope I won’t get fired, because I know that my job is suffering also.
Will I ever get over a broken heart? It doesn’t seem so. I’m rejected because of someone else. My self esteem doesn’t exist any more. I just want to lay down and cry.
Five Stages of Grief - Bargaining
July 11th, 2007
- Read more about how we behave in the first of five stages of grief - denial!
- Read more about how we behave in the second of five stages of grief - anger!
In bargaining stage of grief we still are not fully aware what happened to us. We are willing to forgive “unforgivable”, because we are not ready to accept the truth that our relationship is finished forever. This is an example how we would feel in this stage:
I wonder what he is doing right now. Is he good and well? If I could only just hear him for a second, I’d know.
I miss him so much. I need his touch and I want to hear his voice again. Just one “I love you” and I would forgive everything. Just one “I miss you” or “Come back”, I would be so happy again. Maybe phone doesn’t work properly? No, everything is fine with the phone. Please, call me!
Maybe, I should call him? I know he’s behavior was the reason we broke up in the first place and that it would be better if he call, but what would be if I call instead? I must think of good reason for why I call, when he asks. I don’t want to lose these few drops of self esteem that remain.
No. It is not my turn for a call like this. I must calm myself. I must find a way to think about something else. Maybe he will call after all! I must be patient.
Five Stages of Grief - Anger
July 10th, 2007
After relationship is over, it is natural to feel angry. We can’t accept what happened to us and we feel need to blame the other side. Be careful not to stay long in this stage of anger, because for relationship we need two, but for brake up we also need two. We must recognize and accept our part of responsibility for relationship brake up. This is how we feel:
He must have been blind! How can it be that he didn’t see my pure love and devotion to him? Why would he want someone new? He will never find anyone like me to love him when times are hard. Who does he think he is? Brad Pitt?!
But, wait… Maybe that’s it! He doesn’t want someone like me. He wants someone else, completely different from me. I was just a game for him. Someone he spent his time with, no one to remember, someone replaceable…
How could I be so foolish? It was obvious! He didn’t love me! He doesn’t deserve me. I just can’t believe I didn’t see through him.
It was my fault! I just didn’t want to face the truth that we were not meant for each other. Now, I’m paying the price and it costs me more than I’m able to pay. I don’t know how to get over a broken heart of mine. How could I let this happen to me? When and where did I lose my self esteem? If I had only been wiser, I could prevent this entire emotional mess!
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